With the ongoing Senate probe on the anomalies happening inside the Philippines’ national penitentiary, the New Bilibid prisons in Muntinlupa, several people now know the survival techniques one must have in order to survive inside.

So, without further ado, here are the ten (10) tips on surviving inside the New Bilibid prisons in the Philippines.

1. Make sure you have tons of monies. Hence, if you are being jailed for being a large scale estafador or a government official accused of graft and corruption, be advised to steal big. You’ll definitely use the money to make your life inside this jail comfortable.
2. Make money inside. If you are just a lowly thief who happened to have yourself arrested, then, you must think of ways on how to make money inside. Be someone’s slave. Have yourself useful. Work as a courier. Be buddy buddy with the jail’s petty chiefs.
3. Befriend the guards. Make yourself useful inside by smuggling items of use of convicts inside the national penitentiary. Use your underground contacts especially with women “models” or prostitutes. These paid sex workers known inside as “tilapia” would surely make you extremely famous, and wealthy.
4. Create your own “jail currency.” Invent a currency which would be acceptable to everyone. Bilibid is not just a separate territory of its own, it is also a micro economy, and micro economies need a central bank.
5. Cook shabu by learning about it thru Google search.
6. Be a religious leader and found your own religion which requires every believer to contribute 20 pesos for every worship service.
7. Provide your own telecommunications services inside.
8. Establish a mini courier services.
9. Run a mini sari-sari store or a laundry service.
10. Be a real estate developer or housing czar.